Paris, City of Light...Fingers
At nearly each and every tourist site in the city of Paris, France you will find a prominently displayed notice that reads in English, “Beware of Pick-Pockets”. While it is certainly a great public service that these warnings are posted it falls short of the true nature of the City of Light Fingers. This warning should also be prominently displayed on each and every taxi, hotel front desk, souvenir stand, cafe, restaurant, chocolate shoppe and tour office.
This was our second trip to Paris, the first one being a one day jaunt during our 2016 tour of Ireland and London. The first time around we were given misinformation on the walking distance from the Gare du Nord train station to the Paris Opera House. Believe it or not, 63 year old men and their wives really cannot walk one and a half miles in ten minutes. I was spat at by a large Parisian man and a group of Romanian Gypsies shadowed us for blocks before swooping in at an attempt to steal our wallets (luckily we had chest wallets that protected our Passports and cash).
I am a firm believer that one series of incidents should not tarnish my opinion of an entire city so I was willing to give it another try in order to redeem itself. The city failed miserably.
It began the minute we stepped off the Eurostar train from London at the Gare du Nord train station. Huge signs herd unwary tourists to an exit at the train station where lines of taxi drivers (or as the French call them, “le voleur sur roues” or “the thief on wheels”) line up to fleece. The first clue that something is wrong is when they do not turn on the cab’s meter. An average trip from the train station to say the Louvre runs €30 (Euros) or around $36 while you can catch a Paris Metro Bus around the corner of the building for €3.8. The taxi driver even asked for a tip. The distance was just shy of two miles. We were the lucky ones. I heard tales of €60 and higher fares from the airport.
Once we got to our hotel (that was within spitting distance of the Louvre) the real fun began. For the past year and a half, we had carefully made reservations with the train, hotel and Paris Pass only to find when we arrived that we were a day late (according to the “nice” people at the Hotel Tim that is located at 4 Rue Croix des Petits Champs Paris, France). We tried to reason with them but the best they would offer was to add one more night to the tune of $310 USD. Considering that our entire reservation of three nights had cost $300 we declined the offer.
The hotel room itself was somebody’s idea of a joke. The bathroom was so small that you had to sit sideways on the commode. The shower was slightly bigger than a medium size hot water tank and allowed scant room in order to bathe. The bed was as hard as a plank with scant coverings. The best we could get from the TV was “The Big Bang Theory”...in French.
Leaving the hotel we attempted to find our way to the City Vision Tour Bus Office located at 2 Rue de la Pyramides in order to hook up for a four hour bus tour of Paris that included stops at the Eiffel Tower and a Seine River Boat Trip. Absolutely no one would assist us in finding this street. It was just by luck and a circuitous route that we stumbled onto it. We boarded the large tour bus with scant minutes to spare and set off. It was a pleasant ride through town with a recorded commentary via the supplied ear buds and multi language hook-ups in the bus.
The last stop was the Seine River that included a short walk to the Eiffel Tower. Prior to going to the Tower I had to drop off my extremely dangerous tweezers and compact folding scissors at the City Vision Office that meant a five city block walk there and back. Apparently the authorities are worried that Akmed the terrorist beautician would suddenly attack, “I kill you! I pluck your eye lashes out one by one!” After the trip up to the second floor of the Tower we were marched back to the river where we were informed that the tour was over and we were on our own to take the hour long river cruise and/or walk across the bridge a hundred yards away to a Metro bus station for the trip back to our hotel. This killed the all day bus pass that had been part of our Paris Pass package...thank you very much.
In the morning, in order to extent our breakfast (which we paid $15 each for) I took to pack away some small baguettes, cheese and lunch meats that were offered as well as two packs of yogurt. This is a common practice at all hotels that offer breakfasts. Our last day I arrived late at the breakfast bar to find only half of a small baguette left in the basket. I asked in my best French (which I had spent a year learning) “Avez-vous plus de pain?” or “Do you have any bread?” Non! Was the reply. When we came back down with our luggage minutes later, the bread had mysteriously appeared in the basket (still warm I might add). I grabbed our share and tucked it in our lunch bag under the glare of the French Bread Police.
That morning we made better time to 2 Rue De Pyramides and the tour office in order to catch the tour bus for our eight hour trip to the Vaux-le-Vicomte Chateau and Fontainbleau. With a bus full of people one would expect a running commentary about France and the surrounding areas. It was not to be. The driver drove in stony silence but at least at the end of the day we ended back at the tour office in Paris and were not dropped off God knows where. As for the Chateaus, The Fontainbleau was quite the spectacle while the Vaux-le-Vicomte spent more time bragging about how many Hollywood films had been filmed there rather than the history of the place. It was a pretty underwhelming experience.
With the loss of our last scheduled day it also meant an entire day of site seeing was ruined as well as the canceling out of our two Paris Pass cards to the tune of €65.5 each or over $150. Then came the hassle of trying to get back to London a day early. My wife did all the work online only to be charged over $100 USD for a “convenience fee” in order for them to conveniently print out our boarding passes even though we already had the coach and seat information. It was convenient for them to bilk us for over $50 a pop but not convenient to us.
The last straw was the chocolate shop. It was strategically located across from the tour office. Inside was a wondrous collection of chocolate confections with no prices on them (a bad sign). When I asked the price of a particular dessert the girl looked at me, called out to the proprietor who also looked at me and seeing that I was an American tourist jacked up the price. I declined.
Our trip to the Louvre was a walking marathon. I had downloaded a list of must see works with carefully laid out directions on how to go from work to work. The problem is the map that the museum gives you (available in seven different languages) is totally indecipherable. While the map shows the various levels (-1, 0, 1 & 2) and each room on the map is numbered (1 to 96) not all of the rooms themselves are numbered. It was a challenge.
When we tried to find the starting point (The Great Spinx of Tanis) for our self guided tour we spent an hour wondering around the great halls. We had to settle on Winged Victory of Samothrace to begin our journey. Now on track we found The Oath of the Horatil, Coronation of Emperor Napoleon I, Odalisque, the Wedding Feast at Cana and of course the Mona Lisa among other listed works. Having found everything on the list but the elusive Spinx we decided to search out the museum’s extensive Egyptian collection located in rooms 631 to 645 on Floor 1. It was here we came across the ass end of The Great Spinx of Tanis. To be honest, it was not that great.
Leaving the Louvre is as much an adventure as touring it. We followed the bread crumb clues of what seemed to be hundreds of “Sortie” or “Exit” signs until we could once again breathe the polluted air of Paris. It was an exhausting experience but Paris was not done with us just yet. We still had to find a #39 Metro bus to the Gare du Nord. Paris bus drivers pride themselves in stopping ONLY at their designated stops. After nearly throwing myself in front of his bus the driver was kind enough to stop at another bus’s stop and pick us up only to lecture us the entire trip on how he was breaking French law by picking us up. In spite of this I did not give him a tip. The train trip back to London was uneventful as we munched on our purloined bread, cheese and meat from the hotel breakfast bar.
So, what did we learn on this second attempt at seeing Paris? We learned to avoid it all together. It is a dusty and polluted metropolis in which the rudest people in the world have gathered. Everyone is a liar and thief who will take advantage of you in a heartbeat. You are totally on your own so do not expect any assistance from anyone. Avoid the Hotel Tim, City Vision Tours and Paris Pass at all costs. They are a rip off. If forced to take a taxi, negotiate the price before setting off and make sure he turns the damn meter on. Attempt to figure out the map of the Louvre prior to visiting (good luck with that). It is as easy to understand as the map for the Paris bus system.
Triple check all of your reservations for train, tours and hotels before leaving. All in all we lost hundreds of dollars as well as an entire day of touring due to their mistake. Never shop in a store that does not have prices clearly marked. You will be taken to the cleaners. If you can find a hotel worker who is decent and speaks your language ask where they eat and shop on the cheap. Grocery stores are your best bet for food for dinner while raiding the breakfast nook for morning repast and lunch is not a sin (unless you are French).
While it is not fair to judge an entire country by the actions of the citizens of a single city (I am sure that visitors to the United States have been given bad impressions by visiting Detroit, Chicago or New York City) I will never set foot in Paris again. We may however travel in the French countryside but only if a tour is offered that picks us up and delivers us on a timely basis.
In short, Paris sucks. It would be a wonderful place to visit if only they would get rid of the Parisians. Since that is not about to happen any time soon it is best to avoid it altogether. Au revoir Paris, we gave it our best shot and you defeated us in mind and body. I will take my American dollars and happily spend them where I am welcomed...that is to say, London, England and Reykjavik, Iceland. As the French would say. “Tu peux embrasser mon cul.”